I know a lot of women who are thankful for their husbands. But, really, I am thankful that he sticks with me. There are times that I wouldn’t blame him in the least if he walked out the door and never came back. Yes, I can be that horrible to him.
I, unfortunately, am at that age where my moods, thought patterns, and behaviors are all over the place. One day I am me. Normal, happy, loving. The next day I feel anxious and about the snap. I know that I am not the only woman that experiences this…but it makes me feel so guilty. No one deserves to be treated like I sometimes treat the people I love. It kills me. Just kills me dead.
Yes, I’ve been to doctors. To specialists. To naturopaths. I’ve had my feet zoned. I’ve been to a nutritionist. I’m on some medications and even more ‘all natural’ vitamins that are suppose to help. I do yoga and I recently took up jogging.
But seriously, I give up.
In the last year I’ve gained 50 pounds, I hate myself and have no sex drive. My hair is falling out, I have random periods, and I’ve become a whiner…trust me. I can hear myself whining as I read/write this. How do I deal with that? I just need to buck up, right? To just take it and be quiet. I try. I know that this will pass. But can I hold on till then? I don’t know.
And who do I take it out on? Yes, you guessed it. My husband. I have no desire, sometimes, to even be a mom. I just want it all to go away. I want to escape into a good book by myself with no one to make demands on me or my time. I know, how selfish. When you become a mom, your time is not your own anymore. Heck, your lucky if you get to go to the bathroom with the door closed.
To add to the dilemma, I now have two high schoolers and two middle schoolers. And the eldest high schooler is on his way to college. I’m proud of him, but the financial crunch it causes just adds stress to my life. So what do I do? I get another job. Right now I work one full time, one part time job, and I blog. And every now and then, I get so stressed I think only ANOTHER part time job would ease the pain. Seriously, where is the logic in that?
Really, how much sense does that make!? Yep, absolutely NONE. That is when my husband steps in and calmly tells me, “Do not get another job. You are too busy as it is and it kills me.” He notices even though he rarely says anything.
He is a quiet man. Slow to anger, slow to speak. The Biblical definition of what a fool is NOT. He keeps me grounded and focused. He is my advocate and my adversary (in a good way). He is good looking to boot! Yep, I hit the jackpot when God put him in my life. He actually was the 3rd man to ask me to marry him….I’m so glad I never went through on the previous 2. He hates being in the spot light, he is that humble. If he knew I was writing about him now, he’d ask me to stop. He’d want me to write about happier, less personal, less about him, more rainbow-butterfly things.
So why do I treat him like that?
I don’t know. He is closest to me…maybe that’s it? You always hurt the one you love…I hope not. He takes it. Over and over and over again. I think that’s it. I don’t deserve him. Not at all.
The reason I confess this to you all, on the world wide web is to prove the point of my Thankful Grateful Blessed shirt. It was given to me with the proviso that I write about what I am most thankful for in my life. So I decided to write about the one thing (besides my salvation) that I can’t be thankful for enough… my Jacob.
What are you brutally, honestly thankful for?
Show it with your own Grateful shirt too!